Heart hurting sunny days

As I sit here inside the shop, keeping an eye on the weather outside and hoping for it not to rain, at least until after 3 this afternoon so that the blankets I have hang up this morning can be taken inside, I have an immense feeling of despair. I have been feeling like this for most of the week. The weather today, for most of it, has been splendorous. It is warm (20 degrees C is warm for New Zealand), the sun is shining, and apart from the clouds rolling in, the sky is crisp. Most days when the weather looks like today, I am in a cheerful mood, enjoying every minute of my day. But today I feel like crying.

This morning, in the kitchen baking with the kitchen windows wide open, over-looking our lush green back yard, letting the fresh spring air in and having the sunrays dancing on the dining room carpet, I found myself thinking how wonderful it would be if I could stay home. How much there is for me to do at home, how much has been neglected since I started working 55 hour weeks. I would have opened every window and sliding door to get a proper breeze throughout the house and let the magpies’ singing fill the house. I would have sorted, scrubbed, played my music, ironed (and I do NOT like ironing) and washed the delicate mountain of clothes.

Yes it my choice to have these working hours as we get our new part-time staff member on her feet. As a small family business we do what we can to help each other out. And obviously the additional income helps a lot towards our (first in 10 years) family holiday next year. It has only been 3 1/2 months but it feels like a life time!

Today I miss my friends. My lavender companion. Our house. Our dogs. Our random and spontaneous braais. Sitting outside in the shade with our kids when they were babies and toddlers, playing, laughing. I miss the connection with my family. Having Wimpy breakfasts with my sister. Secret Santa with our home group. Our church.

To have these memories are an absolute blessing, but today they hurt my heart.

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Day 169 18 June – prize givings galore

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As our annual rhythmic gymnastics competition comes to an end, I can’t express what an eventful day it has been. The support from our rhythmic gymnastics community was incredible and the event ran as per schedule.

It was an experience I wouldn’t want to take on board again any time soon!

Day 168 17 June – darkness

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Today was day 1 of our club’s rhythmic gymnastics competition. Although I worked all day, I managed to get there at 6pm and helped until end of day (which tonight was around 10pm). I think it is safe to say I am pooped!

“Hello darkness my old friend
I’ve come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain still remains within the sound of silence” – Simon & Garfunkel The Sound of Silence

Good night world …

Another year older!

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They say with age comes maturity. I don’t know about that. To be mature you have reached the most advanced stage of a process, or are fully developed. I don’t think we EVER reach this point. Although we technically are fully grown by our late teens, we never really stop developing. We go through various stages of transformation throughout our life span. And this is pretty darn exciting because it means there’s room for growth!

It is my birthday today and I have had a few people comment on my age, especially when they find out that I am 37. Well, at least those who are older than me. I don’t know if they thought I was older due to our kids being a similar age, or if I look older than what I am. It is as if they suddenly feel older. I would hate to think that my age might affect someone in a negative way! I usually never say my age and often just refer to myself as ‘a few years short of 40’.

But today is different. Today I embrace that I turned 37. That I am 1 year older. That I am content with my life. That I am in love with life. That it took me 37 years to be in a position to say “c’est la vie”. That I am not afraid of a number. That everyday, good or bad, is a blessing. That I am me.

That’s life, come what may!

 

Day 163 12 June – spreadsheets

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Our annual rhythmic gymnastics club competition is looming and seeing as our previous competition co-ordinator and knower-of-all stepped down from her position, no one really wanted to take on the massive challenge. I volunteered to organise the competition committee meetings as we had to start somewhere, but how I ended  up taking on the role as co-ordinator is beyond me!

Luckily thus far I have a wonderful team of willing mums who are giving up their time and creativity to make this another successful event.

I really DO NOT like spreadsheets!

Day 160 9 June – spills

Today was certainly one of those “I should have stayed in bed” type of days. It seemed that everything I touched turned to custard, and not the edible sweet dessert type. I often have days when I feel jittery and have random, uncontrollable shakes. I don’t know if it is due to not eating properly on that day or being over-tired, but it usually turns my day upside-down.

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But I have noticed that through the photo diary challenge I am able to see the light-hearted side to life, and there was no time to cry over my spilled coffee, especially when it is in the shape of the African continent.

*always look at the bright side of life…*