Heart hurting sunny days

As I sit here inside the shop, keeping an eye on the weather outside and hoping for it not to rain, at least until after 3 this afternoon so that the blankets I have hang up this morning can be taken inside, I have an immense feeling of despair. I have been feeling like this for most of the week. The weather today, for most of it, has been splendorous. It is warm (20 degrees C is warm for New Zealand), the sun is shining, and apart from the clouds rolling in, the sky is crisp. Most days when the weather looks like today, I am in a cheerful mood, enjoying every minute of my day. But today I feel like crying.

This morning, in the kitchen baking with the kitchen windows wide open, over-looking our lush green back yard, letting the fresh spring air in and having the sunrays dancing on the dining room carpet, I found myself thinking how wonderful it would be if I could stay home. How much there is for me to do at home, how much has been neglected since I started working 55 hour weeks. I would have opened every window and sliding door to get a proper breeze throughout the house and let the magpies’ singing fill the house. I would have sorted, scrubbed, played my music, ironed (and I do NOT like ironing) and washed the delicate mountain of clothes.

Yes it my choice to have these working hours as we get our new part-time staff member on her feet. As a small family business we do what we can to help each other out. And obviously the additional income helps a lot towards our (first in 10 years) family holiday next year. It has only been 3 1/2 months but it feels like a life time!

Today I miss my friends. My lavender companion. Our house. Our dogs. Our random and spontaneous braais. Sitting outside in the shade with our kids when they were babies and toddlers, playing, laughing. I miss the connection with my family. Having Wimpy breakfasts with my sister. Secret Santa with our home group. Our church.

To have these memories are an absolute blessing, but today they hurt my heart.

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Day 74 15 March – home

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Home sweet home!

I bought this painted wooden sign while at the Silo markets in January. During the weekend I finally put it up, and it is one of the first things you see when you walk into our home.

Our house is definitely not a showcase home, but can at times be neat and tidy. The gardens, which we have too many of, is un-kept, things which I don’t have names for grows wildly and our “veggie” patch is a breeding ground for weeds. Our home itself is sometimes not a liveable place either. We have too many rooms and not enough packing space. I have been meaning to start a cleaning roster for EVERYONE in the house to receive chores which needs to be completed during the week.

We are currently still renting and I know it can be emotional to think back that 10 years ago we were home owners. We literally gave up everything to immigrate, but selling and moving on was essential to break all material ties to our home country. We had a large house, and a big corner section and we had plans for extending and changing the house. The kids would have grown up in that house, and it would have secured us a financial investment as a stepping stone to move up in the property market. But all those dreams came to a sudden halt when we decided to leave. I don’t think my head had enough time to make sense of it all. We put a lot of time and effort into re-doing the kitchen cupboards, painting and making the house look presentable to buyers. We had 2 unsuccessful open homes, until a lady came knocking on our door with an offer to purchase the house. From the time the offer came in and we sold, it couldn’t have been more than two weeks. We packed with the help of our amazing friends, kept our household goods that we didn’t sell in storage and moved in with my parents for 2 months before we flew out. Once we arrived in New Zealand we stayed with my sister and her family for 2 months before we moved into our first rental property.

I don’t regret immigrating, not for a second, but it would be nice to walk into a building that you know is yours to keep.

Home is where the heart is, and mine is just a little bit messy at the moment.