If only

If only I knew then what I know now, I would be a little wiser, a little bolder.

If only I knew that I didn’t have to fight with my loved ones, cry myself to sleep, hate the person l was before the two sisters took over, deceive, lie, make myself sick and starve in order to feel like I am worthy – I would have fought even harder against it, listened to my councillors and dietician and cared about my self-worth.

If only I knew that my self-image isn’t really that important to everyone else, that I am not constantly meant to be under a social microscope, that they do not depict what I think about myself – I would have discovered my own unique and somewhat crazy identity, and closed the magazines stating otherwise.

If only I knew that losing an athletics’ event to someone younger, slender and with more potential at the time will eventually cause my downwards spiral into depression and self-doubt – I would have shrugged it off and said “there will eventually be someone better than you, but that doesn’t mean you weren’t good at it, because you had to beat someone else to be the best”.

If only I knew that the two sisters will really kill me and they won’t stop until I have become nothing except a hollow shell, a skeleton – I would have opened my eyes and ears earlier to the truth and told them to shut up!

If only I knew that spending 5 times a day curled up over a toilet bowl, purging myself from every morsel I ate, would permanently damage my teeth, strip me from a social life enjoying the company of my friends and family – I would have concentrated more on my drawing and writing as a way to escape those triggers.

Now you know that you are being lied too; that the two sisters do not have your best interest at heart, that they want you to be alienated from your family and friends and that they will dig their claws into you and draw blood, draw your very last breath. You now know that you deserve to be loved, that you can be free from their judgement, that the people wanting to help you are not against you and that more than anything else, you are unique, beautiful and worthy to live as YOU!

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